EXCITING NEWS!!

Dear mom,
Wanted you to know that we received exciting news yesterday. Dan was offered the Head Pastor position at Westwood Church. We are beyond humbled by this. It all stems from OBEDIENCE. That has been evident a few times in our life. When we are obedient to our Heavenly Father, we have seen HIM work in unbelievable ways that you know without a doubt it has come from HIM. We experienced it in our marriage when through nothing but pure obedience we stayed together instead of divorcing. Taking that step of obedience we were able to experience HIS grace, mercy, forgiveness, & complete restoration & healing. It was a lot of work and much of the time painful, but we remained committed throughout the counseling and our commitment to our Heavenly Father and then to each other. HE and only HE has brought us full circle.
Dans obedience started last year when face down on his face in prayer. He was praying diligently for the staff, Elders, the body of Westwood and for the next pastor that would be called to shepherd the church. It was during that time of prayer it was evident GOD was calling him to put his application in. Which we never ever saw him (did I say NEVER) as being a head pastor anywhere, anytime in our ministry life. But GOD saw differently. After much prayer, counseling, & confirmation Dan submitted his application to our district superintendent, His words to Rev, Chuck Hughes were if I were you I wouldn't hire me off of this application. I am being submissive to God in doing this part of it and if I get the position we know it has to be only from GOD.
Once he did that he felt a weight off of his shoulders. He was obedient to what GOD was calling him to do.

Then came the long wait. Months and months of waiting on God's timing and confirmation. The committee would go thru all the applications submitted and call the ones they felt might be the right fit for Westwood. They came to the decision to have Dan go through the canidating process. So this took place between 1/8-1/15. The Elders met on tues evening for their vote on Dan and we got a call from Rev. Hughes yesterday morning saying they were offering Dan the position. He did accept the position. We are so confident this is from GOD. There has been so much prayer by the staff, Elders, the body, Dan & I, outside pastors, & friends that only God's will be done for Westwood and for Dan and I. We had so much peace and faith that God would open another door somewhere else if Westwood wasn't the place to be. So effective immediately Dan is the new head pastor at Westwood.

We do feel inadequate in so many ways. But trust where God has us. I still remember a conversation we had so long ago. Actually, in the beginning of our marriage. I know exactly where I was in our house in Deltona. We were on the phone together and you told me "Dan is going to end up being a head pastor somewhere." Boy did I laugh and said there is no way that will ever happen! Well, I am here to say you were right and I was wrong :-)

It's an unbelievable story/journey from where Dan and I started in 1987 to now. The years of struggling in our marriage, the brokenness, hurts, anger and on the road to divorce in 2005-2006. And now to where HE has us now.. We do feel like 2 misfits and keep saying why and how are you going to use us Lord during the time we are at Westwood??? We feel inadequate, but know we are being obedient. I just wanted to share this exciting news with you. I wish so much that you were still here with us. It would be so fun to be on this journey with you being a part of it. But, our ways are not God's ways and I trust HIM completely in calling you home a year ago. You are missed so much by ALL of us. Life does go on but it's definitely different.
love and kisses, your daughter,
Valarie

YOU ARE SO MISSED MOM

Dear mom,
Can hardly believe it's been a year since God called you home. It's been a roller coaster of emotions for all of us. Dan and I spent the day with dad. We went to the nursing home and spent time with Rose, then we met Terry for dinner at Outback Steakhouse. It was good being together today!
The year of firsts has definitely been difficult for all of us. Dad is going to the YMCA almost 5 days a week which is so awesome! I am so proud of him. I know how very much he misses you.
Brennen, Rachelle and Garrett are doing great and I know each one was the apple of your eye. You would be bragging constantly about all 3 of them!!
I just wanted to let you know you are thought of daily and missed more than you will ever know. I can just imagine from what I know of God's word the love and joy you are experiencing of finally being "home". One day we all will be reunited and experiencing that same love and joy-together, until then....
You are missed greatly and loved dearly.
Always, your daughter
Valarie

Happy 21st Birthday Rachelle

Twenty One years ago today I gave birth to the most beautiful girl in the world. It has been sheer joy to watch her blossom into a young woman of God. Our prayer has been that she would learn those characteristics that are worthy of possessing: love, servanthood, forgiveness, honesty, & sincerity. We can honestly say, that prayer has been answered in so many ways and for this we are so deeply grateful. Deuteronomy 6:5-7 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts, Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Dear Rachelle,
I wrote the verse above because that is what dad and I were instructed to do as your parents. It has been so neat to watch you go from going to church as a young child with us, to owning your own faith and love for your Savior. So much of this world base success on the amount of money one makes, the material things one has accumulated, the expensive car you drive, the size of your house etc....but, you our sweet girl have achieved the greatest success of all. You have made your faith your own. You have chosen to live a life that glorifies and follows the one who created you and loves you like no other. To come to the knowledge and accept that the only thing that matters in the end is your relationship with your Savior is great success.

There are so many sweet memories we hold dear to our heart. The way you would snuggle up next to dad and the two of you watching The Little Mermaid together, over and over, and over again. The way you would swing on the swing set for hours and just sing out loud like there was nobody else in this world but you. How "dirty" you would get everywhere we went :-) other moms would often say how great it was that I allowed you to get so dirty (little did they know I had no choice) You were our outside child who enjoyed living life to the fullest. Your independence on doing things "your own way" How many times we laughed (behind your back) when you would watch yourself cry in the mirror when you were a little girl. Your "bag lady" ability to eat anything that was on the ground, half eaten or whole! Allowing you to make your own decisions even if we didn't agree or like them so that you would grow and learn from them. Allowing you to make mistakes, but being close behind to catch you if needed. Going to your dance recitals year after year agreeing with you that you were the best one up on stage :-) To see you put on the most awesome prom for the mentally handicapped from your school at our church. To see you be a part of going to a nursing home to be a part of a very special dance with them. The mission trips you went on to share the love of Jesus with so many that have no hope. To see you grab ahold of the dream of starting your own clothing line and see it come into fruition on 11/11/11!!
So Happy Birthday Rachelle-
Dad and I just wanted to share with you how proud we are of you and to thank you for being the wonderful daughter you are, truly a blessing from God out Father!!!
We love you to the moon and back
ou:

Dear Mom

Hey mom.
It has been so long since the last time I wrote to you..I'm sorry. Our nation honored all those who lost their loved ones 10 years ago in the 9/11 attack this past weekend. It is hard to believe it happened that long ago. It was sad to see different documentaries about that horrifying day and what people experienced. How many times can you say I love you, thank you, be happy and strong, trust in God etc...to your loved one on the other end of the phone for the last time? So many hero's that day.
Brennen & Rachelle are doing well. They both love the Lord and strive daily to glorify Him. Dan and I are very proud of them and I know you would be too! Sometimes, I wonder if you can see us? Not exactly sure how all that works in Heaven. But it would be cool if you can. I often ask God to tell you hello, give you big hugs & kisses, & let you know how much you are missed. I am doing well most days. People say it gets better with time, you know the missing you part? But I don't really believe that. Why would it? You were such an important part of my life. My confidant, my cheerleader, my mom! I know until the day He calls me home, there will be a place in my heart that misses you greatly.
Dad is still struggling. Makes my heart so sad. Not sure what to do or how to help him. Dan and I have asked him to move in with us, or even buy a small home back in Pa then live with us during the winter months. I know all he wants is to be with you again. I have suggested different things for him to do, but with no luck. Do you see him mom? Every evening he lights a candle by your picture which he has next to his recliner. I think it's his way of being close to you still. We share such great memories of you. Some make us laugh and bring such joy to our hearts and some well, are just sad.
We did go back home for the O'Toole reunion in July. You would have been so excited to be with everyone. The younger generation is wanting to take over the reunions and keep it going, which is awesome. Alan brought a video to watch and you were in it. LOVED seeing your beautiful smile again! I know it was hard for dad to be there without you, but I think he really enjoyed himself. All I can say is, we are from one big blessed family. We are not perfect for sure, but are so "rich" by the love, laughter and memories we are able to take with us wherever we go. You can't put a price tag on those "riches", it's PRICELESS!
One more thing, It's football time! Yep, the Steelers had their first game on Sunday and all I can say is PEE YEW!!! I watched it by myself. I do miss seeing you dressed in your Steeler shirt, with your terrible towel, and Steeler signs up in the windows! You loved your Steelers!! That's why we thought it was great for you to take the terrible towel with you. I can see it now. My mom representing with her Steeler colors on, waving her terrible towel, with that big beautiful smile across your face-chanting "Here we go Steelers, here we go!"
I will say "talk to you soon", because it will never be goodbye. Know how dearly you are loved and how greatly you are missed!
your daughter,
Valarie

Judgement and believers

Since the Casey Anthony verdict I have been trying to come to grips with the fact that, if 1 day Casey accepts Jesus as her Lord and Savior/surrendering her life completely over to HIM, ask forgiveness, she will be spending ETERNITY in heaven with me. Not sure how I was feeling about this whole "thing". Come on, a murdering, lying, & stealing person gets the same access to our Heavenly Father when she is called home or upon HIS return-REALLY???? ABSOLUTELY YES!! Wow, huh?

Then I started thinking about final judgement. Hmm, final judgement? Does that mean she doesn't answer for her sins? The bible says "as far as the East is from the West so are your sins forgiven. So where does the judgement come in to play? In writing to Christians Paul says, "we shall all stand before the judgement seat of God. Each of us will give account of himself to God" (Romans 14:10, 12) Paul also tells the Corinthians , "For we must all appear before the judgement seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad" (2Corinthians 5:10)

Final judgement either means Eternal life with our Heavenly Father or Eternal separation (eternity without our Heavenly Father)

The judgement I mentioned in the 2nd paragraph is talking about a judgement to evaluate and bestow various degrees of reward in Heaven. Should I fear this kind of judgement as a believer? It is not eternal condemnation. Will all my secret words and deeds, and all my sins, also be revealed on that last day? It seems that is likely, because in writing to believers about the day of judgement he says that when the Lord comes he will "bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of my heart. Then every man will receive his commendation from God" (1Corinthians 4:5; compare Col 3:25). This should definitely provide a motive for Godly living. It should right now have me examine my heart throughout my day and question the motives of my heart.. Am I doing such and such to benefit and further Gods Kingdom or am I doing it to benefit me? God already knows my heart and intentions, I can't hide anything from HIM-the one who created me, knows every thought before its even in my own head, knows the number of hairs on my head, so yes, surely HE knows the motives of my heart. Even my sins made public on that day will be made public as sins that have been FORGIVEN. My sins are covered by HIS blood, mercy and grace, they are forgiven indeed. HE has wiped me clean. It will only be the motives of my heart, my day to day thoughts and actions that are and are not honoring or glorifying to GOD that will be judged. Thats where the rewards in Heaven I mentioned earlier come into place. And no, it is not like here on earth. We must guard against misunderstandinghere: Even though there will be degrees of reward in heaven, the joy of each person will be full and complete for eternity. Status or someone who has been highly rewarded is no more happier than I will be. So it is completely different than here on earth where our happiness depends on what we possess or the status or power that we have.

What this has taught me is that I will have to answer to GOD for my daily living, good and bad. But in knowing and understanding this I will try and make it my aim to please HIM in all I do. (1Corinthains 5:9-10)
Serving HIM with praise and thanksgiving,
Valarie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM

Mom,
I just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday. Today you were missed so much by dad, Terry and I. I know life goes on, but there is still such an emptiness in my heart. Everyone says that with time it gets better. It was 6 months yesterday that our sweet Savior called you home. Two difficult days in a row. I'm sure God celebrated the day He brought forth your first breath in such a grand way. And even when He called you home, there must have been such a celebration at your arrival. You are His very own creation. Psalm 139:14 says "I praise you because I am fearfully & wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know this full well. And that is so very true mom, you were wonderful, in so many ways.
I can't begin to count the blessings you were to me. How often you were there for your family, the love you showed us, the tenderness in just your touch, your smile that always said, "it will be okay", your strength through difficult times, just to name a few. You taught me how to care for others and put them before myself. In fact you were selfless in all you did. You showed me that life is short and no matter the circumstance have fun, laugh, love and enjoy the day regardless of how others treat you.
There will always be people who will try and steal our peace and our joy, & will judge us for our goodness, but not to allow them to affect who we are. I am so glad that you were such a great example in all those areas!
I have been truly blessed by you mom. You will always be a great inspiration as I learn how to walk this life without you. I can hear your voice now "trust in your faith Val" when things would sometimes get me down. So that is what I do, take it day by day and trust in the one who gave me life, who holds me in the palm of His hand where no one can ever snatch me from Him.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM, you are missed greatly and loved dearly-ALWAYS,
your daughter, Valarie

Tried and True

There are only a handful of friends in a lifetime that you can call tried and true! One of my tried and true friends is my closest friend Beth. She came into my life almost 20 years ago and has been there for me-always. The only time she wasn't, is when I chose to leave her out of my life because of choices I knew she wouldn't approve of. So you tend not to include them because you know it would make them sad, and you don't want to hurt them. But with Beth even if she didn't approve, she would always be there for me. That's tried and true!
There is always that certain friend who will love you no matter what. A friend who doesn't always take and expect, but will always give above and beyond. A friend who will walk with you in your loneliest darkest times and be there in the celebrations of life.
We have shared our life together which includes lots of love, tons of laughter, and a billion special memories, along with sharing tears and life's hard stuff. I have been blessed beyond comprehension with her friendship. I appreciate, love and trust her as my cherished friend. She is definitely tried and true! Lord I thank you for bringing her and her husband into my life and Dan's. I am looking forward to building onto the awesome memories and laughter we will be sharing years to come! Thank you for being my tried and true friend for almost 20 years. May God continue to bless our friendship and may you know you are one in a million, and I love you!
Your friend always,
Valarie

Janet L. Yeager 1938-2010

M marvelous the way you lived life each day
O outrageously fun to be with
T thankful for the close relationship we had
H honored to be your daughter
E eternity, life now with your Heavenly Father
R respect, what you always showed me throughout my life

Mom, you are greatly missed and dearly loved. Thank you for the example of what it meant to be a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. I am forever grateful for the loved you showed me all 48 years! I am blessed in so many ways because of you. It feels lonely without you here. I want so desperately to have that one last kiss, being able to rub my hand on your cheek one more time, and to thank you for being the best mom in the world. I know I told you over and over and over again, but I want just one more. It is so difficult going to see dad and you not being there for me to love on.

I know our goal in life is to end it well and be in the presence of our Holy Father. To surrender all to GOD and live a life glorifying Him. I love the memories I have praying with you at bedtime, and always, you ended it with an AMEN! Putting the IPOD next to you and singing worship songs together. Usually it was only a few words now and then that you would sing, but the joy in your eyes as we would sing together. You never minded that I was a terrible singer. God was so sweet to me over the years, he would give me little glimpses of you back, even if for a brief few minutes. They were gifts from our Heavenly Father to me! I treasure each and every one of them.

I love you my sweet momma! Save some dances for when we meet again!!
Your daughter who loves you to the moon and back, always!

AWE, HUMBLED, PAIN, TRUST, FAITH

As I approach the Eve of our Saviors birth, there are so many emotions going on inside of me.
My Awe comes of realizing who God really is. HE is the Alpha & Omega, Prince of Peace, King of Kings, Almighty One. He is our Healer, our Redeemer, our Comforter, HE is our SAVIOR!!

I am humbled by HIS steadfast love for me, even when I make HIM grieve by my choices or actions. That HE sent HIS Son as the ultimate sacrifice for my sins, and suffered death on the cross, even if I was the only one. That HE promises to do good work in me until the day of completion (until my last breath), I am humbled that I am an heir to His kingdom and one day I will be standing before HIS HOLY Presence!

I am in pain as I grieve loosing my sweet momma soon. A pain so real that sometimes it hurts to breath. A pain that goes deep down to the very core of me. A pain that actually makes my heart ache!

Where will I put my trust with all this pain? GOD is the only answer. He is trustworthy, He is sovereign (supreme authority) He is my constant, never failing Savior in whom I place my trust! Who am I that I would question what GOD had orchestrated in my life. He is dependable in times of adversity. No one enjoys pain, and most of us want it gone immediately. But I have come to a point in my journey with God to stay in it as long as HE wants it to be a part of my life. God loves me and is in complete control of this "pain", "adversity" that He has allowed in my life with my mom. I might not fully understand why, but I do trust Him through it all.

Faith, I must always view my adverse circumstances through the eyes of FAITH, not of sense. It sure doesn't make sense what he has allowed in my life, but I have faith in a Heavenly Father who loves me and wants His best for me. Just as faith of salvation comes through hearing the message of GOD, so my faith to trust HIM comes through the Word of God alone. It is only there that I begin to find and understand God's immeasurable love for me and how HE is walking every step of this journey He has me on right now. I have faith that God's grace is sufficient and HIs love adequate. and nothing can separate me from His love. Not even my mom's illness and soon passing.

So this brings me to the understanding that God is sovereign over both the blessings of my life and also the sufferings.
Thank you Lord for all that you have allowed in my life, the good and the bad. I am sorry that it has been in the "bad" times that I have called on you more. Mercy Me sings a song "Bring the rain" I confess that I mostly praise you and draw closer to you in the midst of the rain (storm) Father, I want to praise you outside of the rain, on a day by day, minute by minute basis! I want nothing more than to bring you Glory every minute that I have breath.
I will trust and have faith that my mom is in your hands and your timing, Oh Lord. I will praise you when she draws her last breath, is ushered home and finally in the presence of your Holiness. I can only imagine the smile that will be on her face as your angels sing joyfully and you say "well done good and faithful servant, come and find rest"
God you are good always and I praise your Holy name!

FAITH-what does that mean?

I guess blogging is outdated now, but I have some down time so I thought I would put into writing some of my thoughts/struggles over the year.
I named this blog FAITH since it seems I have been challenged in this area over the past year.
Faith that Jesus has everything planned out with my mom's illness and that my choices don't interfere in what HE is doing.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the everyday busyness of life, that I almost do things on a routine, robotic like state of mind. I seldom start my day with HIM and rarely end my day with HIM. Needless to say that the middle part of the day I am on survival mode to make it through till I can lay my head down and try to sleep.
This is not how I want to spend my days, in survival mode. I want to wake rejoicing that I have another day written in HIS book of life so that I can share the love of Christ through my thoughts, words, and actions! I want to live each and every moment with a peace that only comes from walking daily with HIM.

Faith that as I see marriages struggling all around me that HE is the one that can restore a broken marriage. That complete obedience and surrending all to HIM is the only way that HE can begin healing broken hearts. As Dan and I know from our experience 5 years ago, both have to be willing to surrender and fall face first before the Father and have faith that HE can and will restore the years the locust have stolen. I only came back to the marriage through obedience and faith that He would do that for us. That HE would start to heal the hurt and pain, that HE would help me to fall in love with my husband like never before. The first year was tough, but we had faith in HIS word, and in HIS love for us. I realized that regardless of if it was GOD's plan for Dan and I to marry it became HIS plan when we said our vows. I just wish couples would allow GOD to work in each of their own hearts and recognize their "stuff" that they brought into the marriage. Can it be just one persons fault, absolutely not. We all are sinners and are imperfect human beings that have to have "heart surgery" Yes I can say that it can be more of one person than another, but it's both. God is still revealing my "stuff" that needs to be worked on. My faith is that HE can bring a new life to something that was completely dead through OBEDIENCE. He has restored the years that the locust haven taken! Our marriage is proof of that!
FAITH that GOD loves me like no other. That I am HIS child and that HE died for me. I can't imagine going through these past 5 years without knowing and believing that. So many people are fooled by the belief that becoming a believer means your life will be without trials, hurts, pain, and questions that may never get answered this side of heaven. So where do they go when these times hit them? Who do they trust? I'm sure some of them blame GOD even. I would much rather put my trust in a GOD who created the heavens and the earth, then some kind of micro-organism that just somehow started to evolve from itself to create "things" or that my distant relative was an ape/caveman. It brings peace to my heart knowing that HE created me and that I was made in HIS image!!!
Faith that in my relationship with GOD = HE will never fail me. So many of us are disappointed by our parents, spouse, children, pastor, co-worker, and friends. Expectations we have or make that end up not being met. Realizing that GOD is perfect and we are far from it means there will always be diappointments with our earthly relationships. I will fail and disappoint many people in my lifetime as they will me. I will continually have to check my heart and ask forgiveness for my words or actions as I fail people in my life. That's why Jesus is my constant. I have faith that HE will always be there for me, with me, and in me just as HIS word promises!
So what is FAITH? Believing in the unseen, the creator of Heaven and Earth, the One who was and is and is yet to come! Singing praises that I am able to place my faith in HIM!

My Journey thru my mom's illness

It has been 5 years since we started noticing subtle changes in my mom's health. It mainly started with her memory, just forgetting how to play simple card games, children's puzzles/games, and cooking. In our lack of knowledge, it was easy to get frustrated with her, not understanding what her deal was. When we finally got a diagnosis of Alzheimer's, literally we were shocked. The neurologist basically put a name to her "problems" and sent us on our way. No information, no counseling, nothing-just a word, ALZHEIMER'S! Too say we were in shock would be putting it mildly. So in the age of instant info, I turned to the Internet and started my own investigating. As I read and read and reread I was a bit confused on the symptoms my mom was having. Things didn't match up all the way. So I looked into a few other dementia's. It amazed me that there are over 70 some different types of dementia. A friend mentioned Picks Disease so I started researching and learning all I could about that disease since it seemed to match more of what my mom was going through. It took 4 different neurologists to finally have the last one say he was pretty sure it was Picks due to the high anxiety and behavior patterns she had.

To say that the last 5 years were very difficult would be putting it lightly. I have seen such a tremendous change in my dad through this very difficult journey. He amazes me as I watch him day in and day out care for my mom. I don't recall seeing the "tenderness" "compassion" and "love" back in my childhood days as I see it now. I worry about my dad, I see the sacrifices that he makes to care for my mom and keep her at home till she passes. He is exhausted, depressed, & not feeling well himself. He has lost a bunch of weight and sometimes I wonder if I will loose both my parents soon. Being able to be a part of this journey has allowed me to see that wonderful side. It brings tears to my eyes, (before mom got to sick) as i recall him taking her hand and dancing with her. In those moments it seemed like they were back in their high school days, dancing away like there was no cares in the world and no one else was on the dance floor except them! There wasn't anything my mom wouldn't do for my dad. They snow skied, snowmobiled, water skied, and camped together. Oh how she loves him! To this day I see it in her eyes as they follow him across the room. He has become her constant, the one she knows will be there to care for her day in and day out. Just as she knows her Heavenly Father cares and loves her day in and day out and is waiting for that perfect day to call her home.
So where does that leave me on this journey? I realize that we all have a "Caretaker". HE tends to me, HE watches over me and he has never entrusted that job to anyone else. Human help is wonderful, but it is always human. We get tired, frustrated, angry, depressed and so on and so on! HE NEVER does. Somehow in HIS limitless capacity to love, nurture and watch over us, Christ can attend to each of us as if we are the only one in the world! (Beth Moore) Sometimes I think I can't do this anymore, it is too much! But GOD always brings me back to "I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me. He promises if I seek HIM and HIS righteousness first, He will add everything else of value to my life (Matthew 6:33)
God wants to be a part of every step of this journey I am on with my sweet mom. I need to let HIM daily guide and direct me. John 13:7 says "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand" God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because HE knows the glory will be worth it. God will risk being misunderstood. God wants us to have joyful, satisfying, lives, but HE also wants us to have crowns to cast. Rewards to receive. Character to develop. Compassion's to give. Testimonies to tell. In the midst of those painful processes, GOD makes bold promises. (Beth Moore-Stepping Up)
So...I have quite a few testimonies to tell as I look back on my life. Difficult, painful things that I didn't understand at the time and thinking why GOD have you abandoned me, too being able to share how GOD had rescued me and brought me out of and through those painful times. And this latest painful time is with my mom. BUT, I am so thankful for a Savior who promises to never leave me or forsake me, and gives me exactly what I need to make it through each day!
I love you sweet Savior for each trial that you bring into my life. As difficult and painful as they are, it teaches me to be more like you, it draws me closer to really knowing you more intimately. I know that you are holding me oh so very closely through this pain and sadness. Thank you that I have a Heavenly Daddy that cares about my every need! AMEN :-)

Tribute to my grandma

Dulcie Irene Postel
August 26, 1916-October 18, 2009
Age:93

I just wanted to share with you how beautiful my grandma was.
It has been a long couple months.
She fell Aug.18th and broke her hip and shattered her elbow. She had a 5 day stay at the hospital then was released to a nursing home for rehab. She was doing really well and as you can see in one of my previous posts, honoring her on her birthday, she looked great. Not sure how things made a turn for the worse except that there was a notable change in her when she was admitted back to the hospital for a possible pulminary embolism, which turned out not to be. She was released back to the nursing home and then had another set back a week or so later. She was put back in the hospital on Oct.9th for severe dehydration, thrush and urinary tract infection. She never was able to make it back from that. On Sat. 10/17 she was placed in a hospice care facility where she passed on Sun. 10/18.
She was completely miserable until they started to sedate her to help calm her down. I am so thankful that my dad was able to spend some alone time with his mother Sunday morning. He left and an about an hour and 10mins. later she passed away.. She wasn't alone, her daughter and grandson were in the room and she opened her eyes briefly and they were able to tell her they loved her again.
It's been such a joy to be able to pray and talk to grandma about our sweet savior. I'm pretty confident that she understood the importance of accepting HIM as her own savior and acknowledging that she was just a lost sinner without him. Dan played such a huge rule in praying and talking with grandma. I am so thankful that I had a chance to be a part of watching him with grandma. Thanks so much Dan for all your love, prayers, support and giving me the chance to spend this time with my grandma.
I am looking forward to seeing grandma again when my sweet savior calls me home!

Do I Trust What I Believe?

Well, to say these last couple weeks haven't been exhausting, trying, or emotional would be a lie.
It started Sept. 28th-my dad went to the dermatologist for a spot on his neck that he's had for a couple years. Yep-you heard right, a couple years! It started hurting him a few months ago and that's when I told him he had to get in to see a Dr. Well, the biopsy came back and he has squamish cell cancer. It is cancer, and it is curable. The problem is that it is pretty big, so that means all day at the surgeons. His appointment is Oct. 22nd.
That evening around 10:45 my aunt called to say they were taking my grandma to the Er from the nursing home with a possible pulminay embolism. I stayed with my mom while my dad met my aunt at the ER. He got home around 2:15am. I was waiting for him to come out of my moms bedroom to ask how my grandma was and he wasn't coming out. I went back to see what was going on and half way down the hallway I could smell what had happened. My mom had made a mess all over her, the bathroom and her bed. (I won't go into detail) So I scrubbed my mom down as my dad cleaned the bathroom and bed. We were back in bed at 3am and I had to get up at 6am to head into work for 7!
Sept 30th-I'm at work and I get a phone call-it's my dad crying, He tells me your mom is hurt. They don't sleep in the same room anymore because my mom wanders through the night and my dad needs his sleep to be able to care for her. He said he thought it unusual that her door was still closed at 8am so he opened it to check on her and found her on the ground moaning with her left arm broken beind her back. So he called Mary her hospice nurse who came over and decided it best to transport her through evac.
Dan picked me up at work and we met them at the ER in Deland. I thought after all this time of accepting and knowing my mom has a terminal illness and will one day be called home by her Savior, I would be ready for that. Let me tell you-I cried like a baby seeing her laying helpless and crying in the ER. She broke her humeris at the top (right below her shoulder) Not sure when she took her fall or how long she laid there before my dad found her. She has a 3 month recovery time and is suppose to wear a sling with her arm wrapped in a swath so she doesn't move it. That of course isn't working. She has high anxiety and won't leave it on.
My grandma was discharged from the hospital on Oct. 2nd just to be readmitted on Oct. 9th for severe dehydration, Urinary tract infection, and thrush. Before she was taken back to the ER on Oct 7th I visited her at the nursing home and had a wonderful visit. We cried, laughed and I was able to pray outloud for her. We talked a little about Jesus and I was able to share HIS love for her.
Dan and I went to visit her Sunday afternoon and Dan shared some more about how much Jesus loves her and about forgiveness. She actually repeated as Dan prayed out loud. We went back up yesterday afternoon and met my mom and dad there. We prayed again with her before we left. She is not doing well. You can barely understand what she says and her breathing is very labored. Not sure if she will be able to pull out of it this time.
When all this was going on I still had 2 days of ladies retreat at our church, bible study, a wedding, a babyshower,,,and GOD got me through it all.
One of the most beautiful things GOD showed me during this time was through my husband and grandmother. I saw him rub her back with lotion, rub her arms with lotion, hold her hand, pray with her and tell her that when GOD wakes him up at night thinking about her that he immediately prays for her. It was a very tender moment that I don't get to see often. I see God working in Dans life, my dads life and most of all in my life. As difficult as life has been these last few weeks, even the past few years with my moms illness- I wouldn't trade them for anything. He is doing amazing things through it all. So do I trust what I believe??? WITHOUT A DOUBT! GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME. AND ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD!!! Thank you sweet Jesus for these opportunites that draw me closer to you!

Our little addition to the Daly home

On Tues. Sept 8th Dan and I went for a 3 mile walk and while on the walk Dan looked down and noticed a newborn animal of some kind. He assumed it was dead and we started to walk away. I just had to go back and look at it 1 more time. I noticed that it moved slightly and told Dan it was still alive. We started to walk away again and for the life of me couldn't leave this tiny little baby just laying there to die (especially since a big old cat was sitting on the brick wall around the same area.) So Dan and I discussed the baby and he just couldn't see how we could take care of it along with all our other "stuff" in our life. So, we started to leave again and that's when I got teary eyed!! So Dan stops and says "Do you want it, tell me now so I can go back and get it?" Well-of course I wanted it!!

Brennen has always wanted an animal of his own to raise from a baby, so I knew he would jump on the chance to care for it. Brennen looked at different web sites and called multiple vets to try and get the best info for keeping her alive. The hard part was everyone had their "own" suggestions on the best care for it. So,,we went with the advice we thought would work the best and so far so good! He has done a wonderful job caring for this tiny baby. We figure she was only a couple days old when we found her and it's been over 3 weeks now since we adopted her. The 2 pictures are one from about a little over a week ago and the one from today with her cuddled up to Sonic the Hedgehog. The last time I saw her was Monday and I couldn't believe how much she grew in the last few days. I guess giving her the puppy formula along with a bit of heavy whipping cream is agreeing with her!!
I know Brennen and I are guarding our hearts from getting real attached to her but man, you can't help it,,she is so darn cute! Brennen hasn't named her yet because of the fact that she might not make it-so meet our new little baby squirrel....

Happy 93rd Birthday Grandma!!!

My grandma turned 93 on August 26th. We celebrated this birthday at the Alliance Nursing Home in Deland where she has been since Aug.22nd. She fell on Aug. 18th at her home and shattered her elbow and broke her hip. I just wanted to take a second and honor her on her birthday (I know I'm over a week late)
As long as I can remember my grandma has been a very sophisticated woman. She always kept a beautiful home and dressed very nice. Her holiday table and meals were just beautiful and delicious. She had 2 children, Delsie Rae and my dad with my grandfather. Then her second marriage she took in Clyde's 2 children; Clyde & Rene. She is a very strong and determined lady. She knows what she wants and usually won't settle for anything less.
My prayer for you grandma is that you will know your savior personally, so that we will be in our heavenly Father's glory and presence for eternity. I love you grandma, I appreciate you, and I am thankful that you are my grandma!
Your grandaughter,
Valarie

Mom and Dad's 50th

Danny's parents 50th Wedding Celebration

"FOOD FOR THOUGHT"

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and GOD.
It never was between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa :-)

HAPPY 71st BIRTHDAY MOM

My mom is 71 today and I just want to honor her, even if she doesn't know it's her special day today.
Psalm 139:1-6, 13-16
Verses 1-6
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Verses 13-16
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

You are the most amazing mom in the world and I have been blessed beyond measure by being your daughter. I am so appreciative that God created me through the love of you and dad and that I was born into this family that GOD chose for me. I know that it wasn't always perfect and we had our struggles, but if I could pick any family in this whole wide world I would always choose the one I was born into.
A lot of who I am today is because of the example you were to me as a child, a teenager, a young adult, and then as an adult.
You were always there for me-ALWAYS!
I wrote part of Psalm 139 because even though I tell you how wonderful you are, I wanted you to know how much more wonderful GOD thinks you are. You see, HE created you, HE knit you together in your mother's womb, you are fearfully and wonderfully made by your HEAVENLY FATHER. Before a word is even spoken from your lips HE already knows what you're going to say, HE knows our thoughts before they are even in our head. Isn't that just amazing mom??? HIS love for you is so much greater than my love for you (that's pretty amazing considering how much I love you)
As I struggle with this day of wondering "could this be your last birthday?" I have to go back to GOD'S word as he says in Psalm 139:16 "all the days ordained for you were written in HIS book before one of them came to be." HE already knew that this was going to happen, your days were already written out for you before you took your first breath on your on. I am so blessed and thankful that I have had close to 47 years with you. Of course the selfish side of me want 30 more :-)
I know the day will come when HE calls you home and you will being standing in awe before our SAVIOR, seeing HIM face to face and HE saying "Well down good and faithful servant"
I love you so much mom and I want to thank you for all the memories! You make life fun for me. You make me laugh hysterically at the things you say and do. Thank you for always being willing to dance with me! Here's to plenty of more dances together..............
Love you to the moon and back,
Valarie

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM!!!!

Dear mom,
I just wanted to say Happy Mother's Day and also thank you for loving me the way you do. I know alot has changed over the years and there is not a whole lot that you can understand anymore. This I do know, when you look straight into my eyes I see the love you have for me, there is this gentleness and love that I know is there. When you keep playing with my hair and looking at
me saying "you are so beautiful" I fight back tears, not of sadness, but tears of "I am the most blessed daughter in the world to have you as my mom!"

You were there for me-always. I feel so blessed that I have ALL these sweet memories to hold on to, because of you. You have taught me so many things over my lifetime. One of those is that you were a friend to all. Not only your friendships that you valued and enjoyed, but also you never walked into a place whether it be a waiting room, grocery store, elevator, etc.....that you didn't take the time to talk to someone. You always were the one that initiated "hello" to people that you passed, complete strangers, you made them feel like they were special!!

Another memory is your smile that always lit up anywhere you went. Still to this day people comment on your big smile that is so beautiful. You enjoyed life even in the "stressful" times. You were a pillar of strength during the "difficult" times and showed me what it meant to have FAITH!

You are an amazing, and I hope that one day I can follow your example and be an amazing WIFE, DAUGHTER, SISTER, & MOTHER just as you have become!!!! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM,
From your daughter who loves you to the moon and back-always!
Valarie

A KISS FROM MOM!

As a stayed with my parents this past week I ended up getting sick with the flu. I was feeling so bad on my last day there. After running around for a few hours we arrived back to their house. I new I had to lay down and rest before driving the hour back to my house. I gathered all my belongings so that I could just leave after I rested a bit. Seeing me gathering all my stuff, my mom started getting upset. She asked me if I was going and I told her yes after I rested a while though. She says, "Awe-don't go". I told her to come back and lay down with me so we could rest, thinking once she fell asleep I would just sneak out. Well, I must have been exhausted, because as we held hands laying in bed, I passed right out.

Once I awoke, she popped her head up and got out of bed. We went out on the sun porch and sat with my dad and she knew that I was feeling really bad. She kept touching my arm, my neck and my head with such concern on her face. She bent down and kissed my forehead a couple times. I had my legs up resting on a stool, and she continued on like this for about more 5 minutes with the continual touching, then all of a sudden she went down and kissed the top of my foot :-) I know some of you might be thinking yuck, but to me that was huge, it was my mom trying to care for me and not knowing how as she saw her little girl sick and in pain. I responded with tears in my eyes, "you are STILL my mommy, trying to make me feel better huh?" Her reply "yes". I know I am 46 years old, but the kiss, touch and love of my mom is so amazing and such a blessing to me.

My beautiful mom,
Oh, the joy in my heart as I experienced that sweet moment Jesus gave to me, having my mommy back. I will take those moments over any other right now in my life because I know all too soon, you will be taken from me. As dad and I got the news on 3/12 that the Dr gives you 6 months or so to be with us, it was so difficult. Even though I knew one day that day would come because of your terminal illness, it was still sad to hear. Especially having to go straight to my friends moms funeral a few hours later. It took an hour to get there, so on the drive I prayed that GOD would give me strength to make it through the service. I met Dan at the church and didn't even have a chance to tell him about the Dr's news regarding you. I know how much GOD loves me and I know and trust that he orchestrated every detail of that day. But let me tell you how hard it was for me, knowing that I would be walking that same journey as my friend Sunday, saying goodbye to MOM. Even though I have had quite a long time to prepare myself,,it is sooo hard. Dan asked me the next morning if there is just a little relief knowing that your suffering will be over? I told him yes, it kills me to see your anxiety level so high and it has to be exhausting for you. But the selfish side of me still wants you here. I love it when I tuck you in at night and I get to pray for you and you look up at me and say "thank you, that was so beautiful." I love that I get to hug and kiss you still. I love, love, love when dad puts music on and we dance together, (you still got the moves, mom.) Being able to care for you, even though it's difficult and draining at times, I am thankful that you are here with me still. So I am moving into the denial stage of it, just to cope for now. Once again I love you mom, you are the best in the world!
Loving you always,
your daughter,
Valarie

Marriage on the Rock- part 2

It's the girls turn!
Just as a man has special needs, so does a woman. A man who loves his wife and wants to build a good marriage will do his best to understand and meet his wife's needs.

Ephesians 5:25-30 Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body. but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-for we are members of his body.

FOUR BASIC NEEDS OF A WOMAN

A: Security-it's the character of the woman's husband that makes a woman secure.
How can he provide security???
1) the reflection of the law of priority; a man must communicate that he cares for his wife more than he cares for anyone or anything. He needs to be totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of what it costs him. Anticipate a need before she even speaks it.
2) The husband to communicate his admiration and love for his wife. Being sincere in what he communicates.
3) By communicating his faithfulness
4) By communicating his dedication to provide for the family financially. This involves praying for God's direction, being a wise money manager.

B: Nonsexual, soft touch and affection-women become more sexual when their husband kisses, caresses, and cuddles. The more connected she feels to her husband when touch doesn't always lead to sex. Don't make her feel like an object.

C: Open and honest communication-not headline news. Meaningful and real communication.

D: Need for leadership-the man to be the loving initiator at home.
How?
1)the kind of leadership a wife wants from her husband is that of a sacrificial, servant leader-a leader whose primary concerns is the uplifting and building up of his wife. This kind of leadership from a husband naturally leads to a trusting submission from his wife.
2)children-husband be the loving initiator of the children
3)romance-initiation from the husband. Get the ball rolling, make plans for her.
4)finances-well being of finances
5)spiritual-initiate praying together. Be the spiritual leader that GOD intended for you to be.

So you don't lose the intimacy with your spouse establish-DISCIPLINES, TRADITIONS, and HABITS!!!
Do you agree or disagree with the author, Jimmy Evans? Do you think he hit the nail on the head with what our needs are as women?

Marriage On the ROCK

It's been a long time since my last post and I've been wanting to write about this since our small group covered it on 2/20.
Our small group is going through the video series Marriage on the Rock by Jimmy Evans. I found this past meeting interesting because it covered the four strongest relationship needs of a man. I realize that relationship needs of men and women vary greatly. But I was shocked when sexual needs wasn't listed as number one for men.
Every man, regardless of personality, has four primary needs. They are honor and respect, sexual fulfillment, companionship and domestic support. I never would have thought honor and respect would be my husbands greatest need. Ephesians 5:22 and 33b both address the wife about her husband's need for honor and respect.

A: Honor and respect
Eph 5:22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord
Eph 5:33b and the wife must respect her husband
Some of you might be asking how you should show honor and respect to your husband. Here are the notes I wrote during the video.
positive speech, praise (create an atmosphere of honor), how you say things matters- try and say every word with honor and respect. Men are drawn into the presence of praise. Men are extremely sensitive about their ego. How?
1)allow him to fail in areas, honor
2)confront him in love (once) then leave it to GOD
3)honor your husband where you want him to be. Pray it over him, partner with the Holy Spirit on making your husband a great man.
*don't compare your husband to another man, control your thought life!

B) Sexual fulfillment
Except the fact that he is more sexual, men are emotionally detached, men are visually stimulated. Sex is a powerful force in a man's life, and the wife is God's only legitimate resource for satisfying the husbands needs. When we reject our husbands need for sex, we are rejecting him because his sexual drive is an essential part of who he is.. The wife must understand the strength and importance of the male appetite and need for sex.
*no man should compare their wife to any other women.

C) Companionship
Initially, we fall in love while having fun together and enjoying each other's company. A man has continuing need for that same kind of companionship-for his wife to continue relating to him as his best friend. We need to make an effort to be involved in fun activities that our husbands enjoy. Be his "fun" friend. Don't treat him like he's your child. Have fun together EVEN if it's something you don't really enjoy!

D) Domestic support
Having a place of belonging-by making the home a place where your husband loves to be. This does not mean that we (the wife) should handle all the domestic responsibilities but that our instincts for making a "house a home" need to come to the forefront. It's OK to partner with the chores!

No matter what the circumstance is in your marriage, whether your husband is doing it all right and it's easy to deliver on all four of these needs, or maybe your in a one-sided marriage where your husband acts like a dictator and is very controlling, or is emotionally absent from the marriage, or just doesn't plain deserve it. Be obedient to GOD and do what HIS word instructs us to do.

So women how are you doing in your marriage to fulfill the four strongest relationship needs of your man????

Costco and cookies!

I have realized over the years that one of my biggest pet peeves is GREED! I literally get so upset that I can feel the anger just bubbling up inside of me. But isn't that being a little hypercritical? I struggle with another persons sin, greed and then find myself sinning in my own heart with the anger.
I think to myself, come on people it's just a cookie! They literally get so mad at me if I don't have a "free cookie" to give their usually crying, screaming child. I think to myself, yea right, that's what you need to do, reward them for their disobedient behavior! It is so hard for me to not say "If you really want them to have a cookie, we sell 24 at a great low price, just buy them 24 cookies!"
And then what really gets me going is when they feel the "entitlement" to take 3 or 4 cookies just because they pay a yearly membership! I even had one father ask me "Do you have any cookies for my children?" I said yes we do. Then he proceeded to say that he gets mad at some of the girls that work back in the bakery, they don't always give his kids cookies because they say they are out of them. He proceeded to finish his statement with "I pay a yearly membership and my kids should get a cookie everytime we come in here and when you don't give my kids a cookie I go over to the cookie table, open a package myself, and take 2 cookies out of it! Can you believe it???? Isn't that stealing??
Or we always get, "Well publix gives free cookies all the time." It takes everything inside of me not to say "well then go to publix!"
It doesn't matter what the age is, I get angry at all greedy people! I have actually gone up to senior citizens that have taken a bag from the meat dept. to fill it up with our free cookies and say "excuse me, but you can only take 1 cookie, that's stealing to take a bunch like that!"
Why should I even care??? I do let it slide by some of the time, but why can't I let it slide by all the time??? Why do I get so "angry" at other peoples greediness?
Maybe it's because I struggle with that same sin-GREED.
I have in the past gone to seminars that have freebies at the table and have taken more than the 1 that I should! So is that any different? I mean it is free right?

My personal goal-Faith in 2009

Matthew 5:5-6
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

I've been thinking alot about what the year 2009 will be like for me; personally, my marriage, my children, my parents, ministry, and my job. I am a planner, I work best with schedules and I like to know ahead of time what's happening. (which is one reason I struggle with my job, I don't know from week to week what days I'm working) I know HIS ways are not my ways and that He is in control of all things. I want so desperately to glorify GOD in all areas of my life. Whether it is as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, or co-worker. Then why am I a little hesitant about 2009? I don't know what this year is going to bring and it scares me a bit.

I have a daughter graduating from high school in May, a son turning 21 in May, layoffs looming at Costco, Dans parents renewing their wedding vows in July (50th anniversary, Dan and I are in the wedding) my mom's terminal illness, my dads health and being a full time caregiver, and 2 grandmothers in their 90's.
With all that said, I was going through some drawers a few days ago and came across notes from one of Pastor Jons messages from last year. The title at the top of the page read PRAYER OF FAITH. Here is what I was reminded of as I looked over my notes and read the scriture from Matthew 5:5-6 (it's at the beginning of my blog)

Definition of MEEK (vs 5)-absence from pretension, generally suggests gentleness and the self control it entails.
Definition of RIGHTEOUSNESS (vs 6)-Gods goodness, HIS prescence in any and every circumstance.

#1) I was to list an area of "unholiness", injustice, or conflict. I listed my mom's terminal illness, my dad, and conflict with extended family
#2) Envision the coming of God's Kingdom and HIS character to this area of "unholiness", injustice, or conflict. I envisioned healing, restoration, peace, calm, forgiveness, confession, patience and love.
#3) As a member of God's Kingdom, in faith pray as to my response and/or actions.
My actions-I wrote, to be an encouragement, hurt-communicate whether it's good or bad, love them right where they are at, be a positive influence, and have a godly attitude.
My response-KINGDOM centeredness vs self centeredness, experience vs perspective (how I act and behave) Take the journey-commulative and progressive effect (the beatitudes) and finally spiritual and social application.
The journey toward meekness-POOR IN SPIRIT, MOURNING, MEEKNESS.

Being the loving, caring, all knowing GOD that HE is, HE graciuosly let me stumble across my old notes in order to help me trust and have faith in HIM for this coming year, whatever it may bring. I pray I will bring GODS character to any and every situation that might arise for 2009 and try not to miss the sunset! I will close this writing with the PRAYER OF FAITH

BREATHE IN ME, HOLY SPIRIT, THAT I MAY THINK WHAT IS HOLY.
MOVE ME, HOLY SPIRIT, THAT I MAY DO WHAT IS HOLY.
ATTRACT ME, HOLY SPIRIT, THAT I MAY LOVE WHAT IS HOLY.
STRENGTHEN ME, HOLY SPIRIT, THAT I MAY GUARD WHAT IS HOLY.
GUARD ME, HOLY SPIRIT, THAT I MAY KEEP WHAT IS HOLY.
AMEN!

Mom and Dad's Chirstmas Photo

This Christmas my dad wanted to have a picture together with their grandchildren to send out in their Christmas cards. We were all able to be together on Christmas to take pictures and video as we celebrated together. The day was bittersweet for me as I realized that this could be our last Christmas with my mom. I was filled with joy to have another holiday with my mom, and also felt sad knowing that this could be our last Christmas with her. I am thankful and very blessed to have the close relationship with my mother that I do. I have so many wonderful memories that I hold close to my heart, and to that I am so thankful for. She is and always will be the example I will try to follow as a daughter, wife, mother, sister and a friend. To that I say "THANK YOU, MOM-YOU'RE THE BEST"

Christmas Day At Mom and Dad's

TRUSTING GOD IN THE MIDST OF PAIN

This I do know: God's people are not immune from pain. Often it seems as if the believers pain is more severe, more frequent, more unexplainable, and more deeply felt than that of the unbeliever. So my question is "Where is GOD in all of this?"
CAN I TRUST GOD? TRUST-Is he dependable in times of adversity? I-Do I have such a relationship with God and such a confidence in HIM that I believe HE is with me in my adversity even though I do not see any evidence of HIS presence and HIS power?
I do know that I am not alone when I say "I don't enjoy pain", and when I am in the midst of it, I want it over as quickly as possible.

Ecclesiates 7:13 Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?
I feel God has brought a "crooked" event in my life with the terminal illness of my mom. Do I really believe that a God who loves me and knows what's best for me is in control of my situation? Can I trust Him even if I don't understand? Can I even encourage others to trust HIM when they are in the throes of emotional pain?
Even in the midst of my distress, despair, and sadness I know GOD loves me and that I need to trust Him even if I don't understand. But man is it hard! I find it is more difficult to trust God than to obey Him.
When we disobey God we defy His authority and despise His Holiness.
When we fail to trust God we doubt His sovereignty and question His goodness.
My situation doesn't make sense to me but I must have faith. It is only in scripture that I find an adequate view of God's relationship to and involvement in my painful circumstance. It is only from the Scriptures applied to my heart by the Holy Spirit that I receive the grace to trust God in adversity. Scripture teaches 3 truths about God-truths I must believe if I can trust Him in adversity.
1) God is completely sovereign.
2) God is infinite in wisdom.
3) God is perfect in love.
God in His love always wills what is best for me. In his wisdom He always knows what is best for me. And in His sovereignty He has the power to bring it about.
With knowing all that, how come I feel so alone, so sad, so helpless, fearful, & sometimes angry?
I struggle to get up and face the day.
I cried while decorating the house for Christmas, I'm just not in a very celebrating mood. It's not even finished.
I am tired of "pretending" everything is okay and I'm doing fine when I really want to say LIFE SUCKS, I hate watching my mom die a long slow death.
I don't enjoy hearing Christmas songs because it reminds me of how much my mom enjoyed them, especially her favorites.
It tears me apart to see what is happening to my dad and the toll of being a full-time caretaker is doing to him.
It bothers me that I am sad and moody toward my family when they don't deserve it and I wonder how I can "be happy during this holiday season" for my family, when I can care less about celebrating it.

So, this is what GOD has revealed to me during my time of adversity.
I haven't come to Him on a daily basis with my hurt and struggles.
I have chosen to feel sorry for myself instead of acknowledging God's sovereign control over my life.
I must learn to trust when I don't understand.
God never pursues His Glory at the expense of the good of His people nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory. He has designed His eternal purpose so that His glory and our good are inextricably bound together.
That in itself should bring me great comfort and encouragement!

So I confess my sinful heart. And I ask you, my SAVIOR, to deliver me out of this sinful state of mind that I have been in. Help me to rejoice in this holiday season and not be sad and angry. Lift me out of this state of despair that I am in. Help me to be an encouragement to others that are hurting. Be with my dad and help him to see the hope that is in you. I pray that through my moms illness that he may come to know you personally. Thank you for never leaving or forsaking me, even when I might deserve it. I confess my lack of trust and faith and ask that I will daily come to you instead of going for so long on my own strength. And instead of "pretending" that I am happy, that you will feel me with joy! Amen.

I've been tagged-15 things I'm not afraid to admit!

1) I love old Motown music-O'Jays, Whispers, Temptations etc....

2) I'd rather give birth than run :-) I hate running 3 miles to try and stay in shape!

3) I have my memorial service planned out

4) I'd rather bake than cook

5) A nice hot Chai Tea w/vanilla soy milk does me good

6) I was a tom boy growing up

7) I love sports-especially my Pittsburgh Steelers :-)

8) If I had to choose between living in the mountains or on a Caribbean Island, I would pick the mountains.

9) I love the smell of bleach-clean :-)

10) I would love to be a stay at home wife and mother

11) I love music and dancing(especially the cha cha slide)

12) I am happy to say so far we made it through raising our children w/o any major incidents.

13) I went out with a Pittsburgh Steeler many years ago.

14) I had braces and glasses at the same time in Jr. High School

15) I am blessed with a great man, two beautiful children, loving parents and brother, awesome extended family, and amazing friends-what more can a girl ask for!

This is the Day the LORD has Made!

Psalm 139:13-14,16
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
I've written these verses today because they are a few that I have struggled with since making the choice to become a follower of Christ. I have struggled for so many years with being extremely insecure. These verses were given to me as a new believer by a mature christian woman at Deltona Alliance church. She asked me to memorize these verses and really hold them close to my heart. That was 20 years ago and I can honestly say now "Thank you Jesus, for you created me and I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
It has been many, many years of hurt, anger, disappointment, and "pretending" I was fearfully and wonderfully made. There has been struggles with anorexia, suicide attempts and self inflictions trying to make the pain go away.
As I celebrate my sweet Jesus giving me life 46 years ago, I am so thankful for his LOVE & PATIENCE with me. It has taken me so long and many a painful lessons to finally get it. I am GODS child, he gave me life, he ordained the days that I will have here on earth. He loves me like no other! When I made that commitment to follow him 20 some years ago, I received an inheritance to HIS kingdom. How cool is that! Over my adult years I never wanted to celebrate my birthday. I didn't feel deserving enough. But as I begin this day that GOD so graciously let me be born on, I am so blessed, so thankful, so appreciative of all that HE has blessed me with. My husband, my children, my father, mother, brother, many precious and loving extended family members, and many dear sweet friends! I am such a blessed woman!
To my mom and dad-thank you, I could never have asked to be with more loving and amazing parents. Thank you for your love, devotion, encouragement and for loving me enough and each other enough to bring me into this world. I love you both so much!
To my husband-words cannot begin to tell you how much I am in love with you. You are an amazing man of GOD. Thank you for not giving up on me and staying by my side through some very rough times. I know alot of them were not easy! Thank you for always believing in me!
To my wonderful children- Brennen and Rachelle. I love you both so much. What an amazing gift you both have been. I love being your mom! You both have been such sweet blessings in my life, I am so proud of you both! You have given me such amazing memories to cherish and hold close to my heart!
So, as I celebrate this day, my birthday, I celebrate the many special people that have touched and have been a blessing over my 46 years! Thank you for being in my life! I am one blessed woman!

"Let the rivers clap their hands, Let the mountains sing together for joy" --Ps 98:8

Holding snow at Brasstown Bald Lookout












High Shoals Falls

Life In The Mountains

Words can't describe God's amazing creation, and even though a picture is worth a thousand words, it still doesn't do justice, but I have to show you anyway. Below are a few pictures from our visit to ANA RUBY FALLS

Dear JESUS, help

Dear Jesus, I just wanted you to know that I am feeling overwhelmed at this time. It seems that I have lost the Joy in life. I know there was never any promise of no more trials or heartaches as I gave my life to you so long ago, BUT....why does it seem like life is so overwhelming??? It feels like a tidal wave of "stuff" is smashing down on me. I know that satan is doing double time on me, trying to break my spirit. I am crying out to the only one who can catch me as I am falling.

I feel as if I have no right to feel this way when so many other people are in much worse circumstances. You have blessed me richly, in the past, present, and I know even in the future you're blessings will flow down on me. Help me to never forget what you have brought me out of. I am your child whom you love greatly. You know me better than I know myself. Even as life seems tough right now, help me to see your love for me. Comfort me as I am loosing my precious mother. Give me compassion, strength, and the right words to say as I continue to show her and my dad your love. Forgive me when I get frustrated with my mom when she gets difficult.

Help me to trust you when things seem overwhelming financially. I know I have been a poor steward of money, I am wanting to please you when it comes to our finances! Help me to not fret as one thing after another is hitting us right now. Help me not to feel as if I am disappointing people when I have to say no, we can't do that right now and give me the strength to be able to say no. You know the desire of my heart is to be able to quit work and be with my mom in the time she has left. Even in the hardship of our finances, I trust that you will provide a way, if it is your will.

Thank you that I am able to come to a loving savior who cares deeply about my wants and concerns. I confess my lack of joy. I ask that throughout this day I am able to show other people love, YOUR LOVE, even in the midst of my sad heart!
Your daughter,
Valarie

I MISS YOU MOM

It's been years since I have had conversation with you. Do you know how much I miss you??? Do you know how much I long to have our talks again??? To hear your words of encouragement, support and of love??? You have always been my greatest cheerleader, telling me I can be anything I want or do anything I want. You always believed in me. I know you never doubted my love for you, but I wish when I tell you now, you are able to understand what I am saying. I think you do, but I wish there was a way of knowing for sure!

I want to thank you for being a great example to me. You have taught me the meaning of giving, of mercy, of hospitality and of being a servant. I never saw anyone come to our house while growing up that you didn't wait on hand and foot! You always made them feel at home. And you never asked if they needed anything just once, you continually asked them to make sure they weren't in need of anything! Sometimes to the point of us or them saying NOOOO-just sit down and relax (huh? wonder who I take after :-)? I am learning to try and relax and enjoy me company more :-)

I miss our times of laughing and just being silly. You always seem to enjoy yourself where ever you went. Especially if there was dancing involved. I think that's where I got my love of music and dancing. I have so many fun memories of our time out on the dance floor, from doing the hustle to the electric slide. It brought such joy to my heart this summer in PA when we were at Aunt Gert's house, they turned the music on and your face just lit up! Even your 90 yr. old mom got up to dance with you. You went from your aunts, cousins, and sisters making your way around to get a dance with each one. I thank GOD for giving me that precious gift of a glimpse of you before you got sick! He gives me those small gifts every now and then and oh how I cherish them.


It tears me up inside as I see you slipping further and further away from me. It brings such sadness to my heart as I see the fear and confusion in your eyes and know that there is nothing I can do but hold you and pray that GOD would bring a calmness over you. I'm not angry that God allowed this to happen to you, I trust HIM completely with this and with you. I know how much HE loves you, it's just that I miss you so much! I see GOD working not only in my heart but dad's heart as well. I see a part of dad that I might not have ever gotten to see if you didn't get sick. It's just sad that you don't get a chance to see this side of him, serving you. You served him so well for so many years! I see the sadness in his eyes, he loves and misses you too mom. If only I could have one wish in the world-It would be to have you healthy and back with all of us again! I love you forever and always!
your daughter-Valarie