Mom and Dad's Chirstmas Photo

This Christmas my dad wanted to have a picture together with their grandchildren to send out in their Christmas cards. We were all able to be together on Christmas to take pictures and video as we celebrated together. The day was bittersweet for me as I realized that this could be our last Christmas with my mom. I was filled with joy to have another holiday with my mom, and also felt sad knowing that this could be our last Christmas with her. I am thankful and very blessed to have the close relationship with my mother that I do. I have so many wonderful memories that I hold close to my heart, and to that I am so thankful for. She is and always will be the example I will try to follow as a daughter, wife, mother, sister and a friend. To that I say "THANK YOU, MOM-YOU'RE THE BEST"

Christmas Day At Mom and Dad's

TRUSTING GOD IN THE MIDST OF PAIN

This I do know: God's people are not immune from pain. Often it seems as if the believers pain is more severe, more frequent, more unexplainable, and more deeply felt than that of the unbeliever. So my question is "Where is GOD in all of this?"
CAN I TRUST GOD? TRUST-Is he dependable in times of adversity? I-Do I have such a relationship with God and such a confidence in HIM that I believe HE is with me in my adversity even though I do not see any evidence of HIS presence and HIS power?
I do know that I am not alone when I say "I don't enjoy pain", and when I am in the midst of it, I want it over as quickly as possible.

Ecclesiates 7:13 Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?
I feel God has brought a "crooked" event in my life with the terminal illness of my mom. Do I really believe that a God who loves me and knows what's best for me is in control of my situation? Can I trust Him even if I don't understand? Can I even encourage others to trust HIM when they are in the throes of emotional pain?
Even in the midst of my distress, despair, and sadness I know GOD loves me and that I need to trust Him even if I don't understand. But man is it hard! I find it is more difficult to trust God than to obey Him.
When we disobey God we defy His authority and despise His Holiness.
When we fail to trust God we doubt His sovereignty and question His goodness.
My situation doesn't make sense to me but I must have faith. It is only in scripture that I find an adequate view of God's relationship to and involvement in my painful circumstance. It is only from the Scriptures applied to my heart by the Holy Spirit that I receive the grace to trust God in adversity. Scripture teaches 3 truths about God-truths I must believe if I can trust Him in adversity.
1) God is completely sovereign.
2) God is infinite in wisdom.
3) God is perfect in love.
God in His love always wills what is best for me. In his wisdom He always knows what is best for me. And in His sovereignty He has the power to bring it about.
With knowing all that, how come I feel so alone, so sad, so helpless, fearful, & sometimes angry?
I struggle to get up and face the day.
I cried while decorating the house for Christmas, I'm just not in a very celebrating mood. It's not even finished.
I am tired of "pretending" everything is okay and I'm doing fine when I really want to say LIFE SUCKS, I hate watching my mom die a long slow death.
I don't enjoy hearing Christmas songs because it reminds me of how much my mom enjoyed them, especially her favorites.
It tears me apart to see what is happening to my dad and the toll of being a full-time caretaker is doing to him.
It bothers me that I am sad and moody toward my family when they don't deserve it and I wonder how I can "be happy during this holiday season" for my family, when I can care less about celebrating it.

So, this is what GOD has revealed to me during my time of adversity.
I haven't come to Him on a daily basis with my hurt and struggles.
I have chosen to feel sorry for myself instead of acknowledging God's sovereign control over my life.
I must learn to trust when I don't understand.
God never pursues His Glory at the expense of the good of His people nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory. He has designed His eternal purpose so that His glory and our good are inextricably bound together.
That in itself should bring me great comfort and encouragement!

So I confess my sinful heart. And I ask you, my SAVIOR, to deliver me out of this sinful state of mind that I have been in. Help me to rejoice in this holiday season and not be sad and angry. Lift me out of this state of despair that I am in. Help me to be an encouragement to others that are hurting. Be with my dad and help him to see the hope that is in you. I pray that through my moms illness that he may come to know you personally. Thank you for never leaving or forsaking me, even when I might deserve it. I confess my lack of trust and faith and ask that I will daily come to you instead of going for so long on my own strength. And instead of "pretending" that I am happy, that you will feel me with joy! Amen.

I've been tagged-15 things I'm not afraid to admit!

1) I love old Motown music-O'Jays, Whispers, Temptations etc....

2) I'd rather give birth than run :-) I hate running 3 miles to try and stay in shape!

3) I have my memorial service planned out

4) I'd rather bake than cook

5) A nice hot Chai Tea w/vanilla soy milk does me good

6) I was a tom boy growing up

7) I love sports-especially my Pittsburgh Steelers :-)

8) If I had to choose between living in the mountains or on a Caribbean Island, I would pick the mountains.

9) I love the smell of bleach-clean :-)

10) I would love to be a stay at home wife and mother

11) I love music and dancing(especially the cha cha slide)

12) I am happy to say so far we made it through raising our children w/o any major incidents.

13) I went out with a Pittsburgh Steeler many years ago.

14) I had braces and glasses at the same time in Jr. High School

15) I am blessed with a great man, two beautiful children, loving parents and brother, awesome extended family, and amazing friends-what more can a girl ask for!

This is the Day the LORD has Made!

Psalm 139:13-14,16
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
I've written these verses today because they are a few that I have struggled with since making the choice to become a follower of Christ. I have struggled for so many years with being extremely insecure. These verses were given to me as a new believer by a mature christian woman at Deltona Alliance church. She asked me to memorize these verses and really hold them close to my heart. That was 20 years ago and I can honestly say now "Thank you Jesus, for you created me and I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
It has been many, many years of hurt, anger, disappointment, and "pretending" I was fearfully and wonderfully made. There has been struggles with anorexia, suicide attempts and self inflictions trying to make the pain go away.
As I celebrate my sweet Jesus giving me life 46 years ago, I am so thankful for his LOVE & PATIENCE with me. It has taken me so long and many a painful lessons to finally get it. I am GODS child, he gave me life, he ordained the days that I will have here on earth. He loves me like no other! When I made that commitment to follow him 20 some years ago, I received an inheritance to HIS kingdom. How cool is that! Over my adult years I never wanted to celebrate my birthday. I didn't feel deserving enough. But as I begin this day that GOD so graciously let me be born on, I am so blessed, so thankful, so appreciative of all that HE has blessed me with. My husband, my children, my father, mother, brother, many precious and loving extended family members, and many dear sweet friends! I am such a blessed woman!
To my mom and dad-thank you, I could never have asked to be with more loving and amazing parents. Thank you for your love, devotion, encouragement and for loving me enough and each other enough to bring me into this world. I love you both so much!
To my husband-words cannot begin to tell you how much I am in love with you. You are an amazing man of GOD. Thank you for not giving up on me and staying by my side through some very rough times. I know alot of them were not easy! Thank you for always believing in me!
To my wonderful children- Brennen and Rachelle. I love you both so much. What an amazing gift you both have been. I love being your mom! You both have been such sweet blessings in my life, I am so proud of you both! You have given me such amazing memories to cherish and hold close to my heart!
So, as I celebrate this day, my birthday, I celebrate the many special people that have touched and have been a blessing over my 46 years! Thank you for being in my life! I am one blessed woman!

"Let the rivers clap their hands, Let the mountains sing together for joy" --Ps 98:8

Holding snow at Brasstown Bald Lookout












High Shoals Falls

Life In The Mountains

Words can't describe God's amazing creation, and even though a picture is worth a thousand words, it still doesn't do justice, but I have to show you anyway. Below are a few pictures from our visit to ANA RUBY FALLS

Dear JESUS, help

Dear Jesus, I just wanted you to know that I am feeling overwhelmed at this time. It seems that I have lost the Joy in life. I know there was never any promise of no more trials or heartaches as I gave my life to you so long ago, BUT....why does it seem like life is so overwhelming??? It feels like a tidal wave of "stuff" is smashing down on me. I know that satan is doing double time on me, trying to break my spirit. I am crying out to the only one who can catch me as I am falling.

I feel as if I have no right to feel this way when so many other people are in much worse circumstances. You have blessed me richly, in the past, present, and I know even in the future you're blessings will flow down on me. Help me to never forget what you have brought me out of. I am your child whom you love greatly. You know me better than I know myself. Even as life seems tough right now, help me to see your love for me. Comfort me as I am loosing my precious mother. Give me compassion, strength, and the right words to say as I continue to show her and my dad your love. Forgive me when I get frustrated with my mom when she gets difficult.

Help me to trust you when things seem overwhelming financially. I know I have been a poor steward of money, I am wanting to please you when it comes to our finances! Help me to not fret as one thing after another is hitting us right now. Help me not to feel as if I am disappointing people when I have to say no, we can't do that right now and give me the strength to be able to say no. You know the desire of my heart is to be able to quit work and be with my mom in the time she has left. Even in the hardship of our finances, I trust that you will provide a way, if it is your will.

Thank you that I am able to come to a loving savior who cares deeply about my wants and concerns. I confess my lack of joy. I ask that throughout this day I am able to show other people love, YOUR LOVE, even in the midst of my sad heart!
Your daughter,
Valarie

I MISS YOU MOM

It's been years since I have had conversation with you. Do you know how much I miss you??? Do you know how much I long to have our talks again??? To hear your words of encouragement, support and of love??? You have always been my greatest cheerleader, telling me I can be anything I want or do anything I want. You always believed in me. I know you never doubted my love for you, but I wish when I tell you now, you are able to understand what I am saying. I think you do, but I wish there was a way of knowing for sure!

I want to thank you for being a great example to me. You have taught me the meaning of giving, of mercy, of hospitality and of being a servant. I never saw anyone come to our house while growing up that you didn't wait on hand and foot! You always made them feel at home. And you never asked if they needed anything just once, you continually asked them to make sure they weren't in need of anything! Sometimes to the point of us or them saying NOOOO-just sit down and relax (huh? wonder who I take after :-)? I am learning to try and relax and enjoy me company more :-)

I miss our times of laughing and just being silly. You always seem to enjoy yourself where ever you went. Especially if there was dancing involved. I think that's where I got my love of music and dancing. I have so many fun memories of our time out on the dance floor, from doing the hustle to the electric slide. It brought such joy to my heart this summer in PA when we were at Aunt Gert's house, they turned the music on and your face just lit up! Even your 90 yr. old mom got up to dance with you. You went from your aunts, cousins, and sisters making your way around to get a dance with each one. I thank GOD for giving me that precious gift of a glimpse of you before you got sick! He gives me those small gifts every now and then and oh how I cherish them.


It tears me up inside as I see you slipping further and further away from me. It brings such sadness to my heart as I see the fear and confusion in your eyes and know that there is nothing I can do but hold you and pray that GOD would bring a calmness over you. I'm not angry that God allowed this to happen to you, I trust HIM completely with this and with you. I know how much HE loves you, it's just that I miss you so much! I see GOD working not only in my heart but dad's heart as well. I see a part of dad that I might not have ever gotten to see if you didn't get sick. It's just sad that you don't get a chance to see this side of him, serving you. You served him so well for so many years! I see the sadness in his eyes, he loves and misses you too mom. If only I could have one wish in the world-It would be to have you healthy and back with all of us again! I love you forever and always!
your daughter-Valarie

Leading your Heart-The Love Dare

What is the Heart???
Your IDENTITY. Your heart is the most important part of who you are. It is the center of your being, where the "real you" resides. "The heart of man reflects man" (prov 27:19) As a person "thinks in his heart, so he is" (Prov 23:7)
Your CENTER. Since your physical heart is the center of your body and sends life-giving blood out to every cell, the word "heart" has been used for centuries to describe the core starting place of all your thoughts, beliefs, values, motives, and convictions.
Your HEADQUARTERS. Your heart is the Pentagon of your operations. As a result, every area of your life is impacted by the direction of your heart.

What's wrong with following my heart? It's FOOLISH. The world says "Follow your Heart!" This is the philosophy of new age gurus, self-help seminars, and romantic pop songs. Because it sounds romantic and noble, it sells millions of records and books. The problem is that following your heart usually means chasing after whatever feels right at the moment whether or not it actually is right. The bible says"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered." (Prov. 28:26)
It's UNRELIABLE. People forget that feelings and emotions are shallow, fickle, and unreliable. They can fluctuate depending upon the circumstances. What feels right in the height of sweet emotion often feels like a sour mistake a few years later. This selfish philosophy is also the source of countless divorces. It leads many to excuse themselves from their lifelong commitments because they no longer "feel in love."
It's CORRUPT. The truth is our hearts are basically selfish and sinful. The bible says, "The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jer 17:9) Jesus said, "Out of our heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornication's, thefts, false witness, slanders" (Matt 15:19) Unless our hearts are genuinely changed by GOD, they will continue to choose wrong things.

Should I ever follow my heart??
King Solomon said "A wise man's heart directs him toward the right, but the foolish man's heart directs him towards the left." (Eccles 10:2) Just as your heart can direct you toward hatred, lust, and violence, it can also be driven by love, truth, and kindness. As you walk with GOD, He will put dreams in your heart that HE wants to fulfill in your life. He will also put skills and abilities in your heart that He wants to develop for His glory (Exodus 35:30-35) He will give you the desire to give (2Cor 9:7) and to worship (Eph 5:19) As you put GOD first, He will step in and fulfill the good desires of your heart. The bible says, "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart" (psalm 37:4) But the only time you can feel good about following your heart is when you know your heart is intent on serving and pleasing GOD!

Dear Heavenly Father, please forgive me for all the times that I chose to follow my heart. I did it all out of my own selfishness. I know that some of the choices I have made in the past have been a direct result from following my heart. Thank you, for even in those bad choices, you have delivered me out of such horrible circumstances. Thank you for being so patient with me as I daily try to serve and please you. As you put dreams in my heart, help me to have discernment to know the ones that are from you and not my enemy. Continue to do the work in me that enables me to give and worship. And ALWAYS, ALWAYS reveal to me the true nature of my heart in everything I do and everything I say-Amen

Taken from the book The Love Dare (Fireproof)

The scripture say that GOD designed and created marriage as a good thing. It is a beautiful, priceless gift. He uses marriage to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, establish families, raise children, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy. But beyond this, marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner. If we are teachable, we will learn to do the one thing that is most important in marriage---to love. This powerful union provides the path for you to learn how to love another imperfect person unconditionally. It is wonderful. It is difficult. It is life changing.
This book is about love. It's about learning and Daring to live a life filled w/loving relationships. And this journey begins w/the person who is closest to you: your spouse. May GOD bless you as you begin this adventure.
But be sure of this: it will take courage. If you accept this dare, you must take the view that instead of following your heart, you choose to lead it. The world says to follow your heart, but if you are not leading it, then someone or something else is. The bible says that "the heart is more deceitful than all else"(Jer 17:9) and it will always pursue that which feels right at the moment.

The Love Dare journey is not a process of trying to change your spouse to be the person you want them to be. You've no doubt already discovered that efforts to change your husband or wife have ended in failure and frustration. Rather, this is a journey of exploring and demonstrating genuine love, even when your desire is dry and your motives are low. The truth is, love is a decision and not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational. And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better.
Remember, you have the responsibility to protect and guide your heart. Don't give up and don't get discouraged. Resolve to lead your heart and to make it through to the end. Learning to truly love is one of the most important things you will ever do.
NOW THESE THREE REMAIN:
FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE.
BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE
1Corinthians 13:13

DAY 1
LOVE IS PATIENT-Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love--Eph 4:2 NIV
The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

If you want to get a copy of The Love Dare it is at SAM'S CLUB for a little over $8.00. There are three very important elements to each day. First- a unique aspect of love will be discussed. Second-you will be given a specific dare to do for your spouse, some easy, some challenging. THIRD-you will be given a journal space to log what you are learning and doing and how your spouse is responding.
My prayers are if there are any struggles your marriage is enduring right now, whether severe or just minor I challenge you to take this 40 day love dare instead of filing for divorce or settling for a so-so marriage that is met with resentment or unmet expectations!

THE GREATEST CHALLANGE IN THE WORLD-A call to Holiness more than Happiness!

We can use the challenges, joys, struggles, and celebrations of marriage to draw closer to God and to grow in Christian character. To spiritually benefit from marriage, we have to be honest. We have to look at our disappointments, own up to our ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness. We also have to rid ourselves of the notion that the difficulties of marriage can be overcome if we simply pray harder or learn a few simple principles. Most of us have discovered that these "simple steps" work only on a superficial level. Why? Because there's a deeper question that needs to be addressed beyond how we can "improve" our marriage.
What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place?

What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy???
What if we are to accept the "bitter juice" because out of it we may learn to draw the resources we need with which to make "the honey of a holy life"?

Romantic love has no elasticity to it. It can never be stretched; it simple shatters. Mature love, the kind demanded of a good marriage, must stretch, as the sinful human condition is such that all of us bear conflicting emotions. "Her hatred is real as her love is real" This is the reality of the human heart, the inevitability of two sinful people pledging to live together, with all their faults, for the rest of their lives.

A wedding calls us to our highest and best-in fact, to almost impossible-ideals. It's the way we want to live. But marriage reminds us of the daily reality of living as sinful human beings in a radically broken world. We aspire after love but far too often descend into hate.

Any mature, spiritually sensitive view of marriage must be built on the foundation of mature love rather than romanticism.

If you want to become more like Jesus, I can't imagine any better thing to do than to get married. Being married forces you to face character issues you'd never have to face otherwise.
Marriage is the preferred route to becoming more like HIM.
The real transforming work of marriage is the twenty-four-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week commitment. This is the crucible that grinds and shapes us into the character of Jesus Christ.
Marriage calls us to an entirely new and selfless life. Any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value, and I slowly begin to understand that the real purpose of marriage may not be happiness as much as it is holiness.
Not that God has anything against happiness, or that happiness and holiness are by nature mutually exclusive, but looking at marriage through the lens of holiness begins to put it into an entirely new perspective for me.

Taken from the book "Sacred Marriage" chapter one.

I will share more of this chapter in my next post. This book has opened my eyes to what God wants from my marriage. I just wish I had read it in the beginning of my marriage not 21 years later, but, better late than never :-) I was one that aspired after love and descended into hate.

Make Me A Servant

The essence of Christianity is found in Phil 2. There Paul urges us to do nothing "out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others".
Paul escalates this by teaching by calling us to emulate Christ Jesus, who, though he was "in very nature God....made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant" (Phil 2:6-7)
Otto Piper nails the marriage relationships potential to create a servant heart in us when he descibes marriage as "a reciprocal willingness of two persons to assume responsibility for each other" I need to ask myself daily "How can I serve my mate?"
Marriage creates a situation in which our desire to be served and coddled can be replaced with a more noble desire to serve others---even to sacrifice for others. This is a call for BOTH husband and wives. The beauty of marriage is that it confronts our selfishness and demands our service twenty-four hours a day. When we're most tired, most worn down, and feeling more sorry for ourselves than we ever have before, we have the opportunity to confront feelings of self-pity by getting up and serving our mate.
The vast majority of people do not enter marriage with a view to becoming a servant. The marriage relationship is often seen as a selfish one because our motivations for marrying often are SELFISH. To fully sanctify the marital relationship, we must live it together as Jesus lived his life--embracing the discipline of sacrifice and service as a daily pratice. In the same way that Jesus gave his body for us, we are to lay down our energy, our bodies, and our lives for others. Each day we must die to our own desires and rise as a servant. We are called each day to identify with the suffereing Christ on the cross, and then be empowered by the resurrected Christ. We die to our expectations, our demands, and our fears. We rise to compromise, service, and courage.
"THE WORTHY"
An important thing to remember is that service is a spritual discipline we owe to God, and it can only be lived out as it is applied to others. God has called me to serve him through people, regardless of whether those people are "worthy" of being served.
I reach out to people because God has loved me and asked me to love others in return, not because the people I am loving are "worthy" of love or because they'll thank me for it in the end. It's not for me to make judgements about their "worthiness."
God is always worthy of being obeyed and served, so when I act out of obedience to him, the person who receives my sevice doesn't have to be deserving--they're benefiting from what I owe GOD. This truth is hard to apply in marriage, where demands and expectations are so plentiful, but I try and remind myself of this fact: God is always worthy of being obeyed, and God calls me to serve my spouse-so regardless of how she treats me at any particular moment, I AM CALLED TO RESPOND AS A SERVANT!
If your in a one-sided marriage where you feel like you're giving and giving and never receiving, myheart goes out to you. You can partially redeem such a situation by becoming more God-oriented. Remind yourself that you are also in a situation where you can grow spiritually by leaps and bounds. If the heart of Christianity is service, any situation that shapes the spirit of a servant in you is worthwhile-even a lop-sided marriage. Remember, part of Christian service is performing it with a beautiful spirit! There is true JOY when true service is offerred up with a true heart!
This was taken from the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. Chapter ten "Make me a servant" Marriage can build in us a servant's heart. I wrote this out to help remind me that I am to serve my husband. Even when I don't feel loved or maybe at the time when it feels one-sided in my marriage. I need to constantly remind myself to die to self. I made a covenant with Dan 21 years ago. Maybe at the time it was for selfish motivations of looking at Dan to bring me happiness, love, security. I realize when I am feeling the most tired, the most worn down, and feeling sorry for myself is when I can receive the most joy from my heavenly father by serving my husband with a beautiful sprit. Dear Jesus help me to always look for those opportunities even when I am completely drained to serve my husband and others so I don't miss out on showing them your love! Amen

Fireproof-The movie

My husband and I went with some people from Westwood Church to go preview the movie "Fireproof" this past Monday. Sadly the chances of the movie making it into mainstream are very slim (they are already talking about pulling it from theaters Oct. 3) The movie had a great message and could touch a lot of marriages that are hurting or on the verge of divorce if it was done more mainstream. The acting started out a little hoke but picked up as the movie went on. The thing that freaked Dan and I out is how similar the story was to our story a few years back. I mean we both left the theater and said "WOW!" The main character was a fireman (so was Dan) one of the only difference was Dan never got into porn like the main character (Kirk Cameron) did. His wife's mother was unable to talk due to a stroke and so she was trying to help care for her mom. She would talk and cry to her and say I wish you could talk so you can help me, I'm hurting. (my mom is unable to talk with me due to dementia) At times it became painful in my heart to watch and I had to fight staying in the theater. At times I could feel Dan breathing heavy from the uncomfortableness.

His wife said she was done and wanted out (me too) After some encouragement and a 41 day challange from Kirk's dad he pursues his wife which she rejects with "I don't love you" (so did I) The first half of his pursuit was done half heartedly (yea, his was too) after another challange from his dad he gets serious about putting more heart into it. Meanwhile, the wife who does PR work at a hospital gets attention from a sweet talking Dr. who gives her validation (same thing with me except he wasn't a Dr) It amazes me how satan sits and waits for the right time to make his move knowing how vulnerable I was and out of the blue bringing this stranger around to show me validation and tell me all these sweet nice things, knowing I longed to hear from my husband for years. It makes me angry and I realize how sneaky he is. He waited until I was done and said "move in-she is ripe for the taking" and boy did I fall! The years of hurt and rejection was a door I left opened for satan to come on through and he did! I came into the marriage with alot of hurt and rejection and then to experience it again in my marriage was very painful to me. Even though I was a believer for a very long time I never grabbed ahold of how much GOD loves me and that my validation comes through him. I went through life wondering what the heck my problem was, why nobody loves me. I became very insecure and lonely. That's how I was able to "fall" so hard, in my worst pain and hurt satan sent someone to tell me I wasn't a bad person. I had opportunities throughout the marriage of hearing from other men, sweet stuff that made me feel good and wondered why my husband didn't see those things. But what the difference with that was I still had hope in my marriage, I still loved my husband, I WASN'T DONE (YET). But as soon as I said those words "I'M DONE" satan saw his chance and I fell right into his trap. It was a long process for me to get through on how badly I hurt my JESUS and my HUSBAND. To accept and know that I was forgiven, and I wasn't some scum who could barely look at myself in the mirror. I feel that forgiveness each and every time my husband takes me in his arms and loves me. The work we both had to do to overcome a marriage that was definitely over was intense and painful at times but was well worth the hard work! We are still in counseling to maintain a healthy marriage. We are finishing up a great study in our small group "SACRED MARRIAGE" which encourages us to fall toward our spouses in a world that most couples fall away from each other.

A great scene in the movie was when a co -worker of Kirk's told him that he and his wife had been in counseling and that some great advice that was given to him was to always be a student of your spouse. Don't just settle for a High School, Associates, Bachelor's, or even Doctorate degree, keep going on all the way being a student of your spouse till death due you part! How great is that!!! So this is my prayer-Oh Lord, thank you for your uncondional love and abundant forgiveness. Help me to daily be a student of my husband, help me to know his needs and to meet those needs the best way I can through you. Help us to always fall toward each other and not away from each other. Thank you for my husband, bless our marriage in ways that we could never have imagined. Amen!

I really never went into Dan's stuff in our marriage because I do want to protect him. That is his story to tell if and when he chooses.
Valarie

Caring for my mom

My mom is sick with dementia. Three years ago they said it was Alzheimers. The diagnosis has been changed to Picks Disease this past April by the 4th Neurologist we have taken her too. I wish there was a book out that instructed you on how to deal with watching someone you love so much go from being your wonderful, beautiful mom to a two year old who at times is not sure what my name is. It is very difficult to watch as my mom looses pieces of herself. I have learned to mourn these little deaths instead of getting angry at them. I am learning to cherish those "moments" that God blesses me with as I get glimpes of my mom back every now and then! They are few and far between, but oh how it touches my heart when she is mom again...
I get upset when I allow myself to get frustrated at her when she doesn't do what I want her to do, or when I have to eat my meals cold because after a few bites on her own she stops eating and I have to feed her so she will eat. It reveals my heart and it makes me sad at how selfish I am. I make it about me instead of serving and loving my mom. How can I in one sense say it's an honor and a privliage to care for her and in turn get so upset at her???? I pray that as GOD reveals my selfishness I will one day be able to do this weekly trip to my parents house with joy each and every time instead of the whoa is me attitude!
Valarie